What If the Version of Success You’re Chasing Isn’t Yours Anymore?
We choose some ambitions for ourselves, but we pick up others because they seem like the sensible next step.
The promotion, the bigger team, the senior title, the growing business, the income target that proves you’re doing well.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting those things. I’m a big fan of ambition, and I’m here to help women build confidence, raise their expectations and sit proudly at that table.
But there comes a point when it’s worth asking:
Do I still want this, or have I just become very good at pursuing it?
We don’t always choose what success is supposed to look like
Most of us don’t sit down at 25 and design the next thirty years. We take the next job, accept the promotion, take on more responsibility and keep moving forward.
But before long, we’re muttering things like:
I should be further along by now.
My business should be making more.
I should want the next promotion.
I’ve never liked the word should because should is could wrapped in shame.
There’s often somebody else’s expectation hiding inside it, and capable women can spend years meeting those lofty ideals without stopping to ask whether they still fit.
You can end up being very successful at something you’re not sure you want anymore.
Ambition changes because life changes
Once you declare yourself ‘ambitious’, there’s an odd expectation that you should keep wanting more of the same forever: more responsibility, growth, visibility, money and bigger targets.
But you know more now than you did ten years ago. You know what certain jobs actually cost, how much energy leadership takes, and what happens when work sits alongside family, caring responsibilities, health, peri/menopause and all the other things that turn up unannounced or unwanted.
The job title may matter less now, and flexibility may matter more. You may still want more money, but you’ve less interest in squandering your evenings and weekends to earn it.
Your ambition hasn’t necessarily disappeared. You just have more information now.
We need more notions
Irish women have a complicated relationship with ambition.
Somewhere between ‘back yourself’ and ‘who does she think she is?’ there’s a very narrow strip of acceptable confidence we’re expected to occupy.
We’re told to speak up, put ourselves forward and be visible, while also being careful not to get too big for our boots or get notions.
We need more notions.
Have notions about being paid properly, or wanting influence, better work, a bigger business or a more senior role. Have notions about wanting success without sacrificing your health, your relationships or every spare hour you possess.
And have enough notions to change your mind, and not give a damn what anyone else thinks.
Something you desperately wanted at 35 may not appeal in the same way at 48.
Ambitious women don’t need another lecture about wanting less. We need more freedom to decide what more actually means.
The goal may still matter, but the cost might not
You might still want the business to grow, the senior role, the money or the impact, but you’re less willing to pay the same price for it.
The work gets done because you pick up what others drop. The business grows because you fill every gap. The team functions because you’re managing the work, the emotional temperature and everyone’s reactions at once.
From the outside, it can all look successful while you wonder how long you can keep it up.
Capable women are very good at making difficult situations work, but that success can hide the true cost.
What does doing well look like for me now?
I keep coming back to this question:
What does doing well look like for me now?
The answer doesn’t have to match what you’d have given ten years ago, or LinkedIn’s version of success, or a ‘bro’ or ‘girl boss’ shouting about seven-figure businesses beside an infinity pool 🥱.
Doing well might mean growing your company, earning more while working less, taking the senior role without being the unofficial emotional support human, or staying exactly where you are because you like your work and don’t want to become Head of Anything.
It might also mean having enough headspace left at the end of the day to enjoy your own life.
You can test a different version of success
None of this needs a dramatic resignation letter or a one-way ticket to Bali; you can try something smaller.
Stop volunteering yourself to fill every gap. Say no to something you’d usually accept automatically. Explore another direction. Apply for the role and decide later whether you actually want it.
Real life gives you much better information than another six weeks of overthinking every possible outcome.
Your ambition should belong to you
I don’t want women to become less ambitious. I want us to be much more deliberate about what we’re ambitious for.
So if you’re feeling flat about a goal you once cared deeply about, or the next obvious step leaves you feeling a bit ‘meh’, ask yourself:
Do I still want this?
What is it costing me now?
What would doing well look like at this point in my life?
And if nobody else had an opinion, what would I choose?
Have the notions.
Just make sure they’re yours.
If you’ve realised you’re pursuing something you don’t want anymore, let’s talk.
A free 30-minute Clarity Call gives you space to untangle what’s actually going on, what needs to change, and what doing well could look like for you now.
