Big Up Those Boundaries!
Boundaries are not about being difficult, selfish, or unavailable. For ambitious, capable women who are used to carrying too much, boundaries are often the missing piece between feeling constantly stretched and finally being able to think clearly, lead well, and protect your energy.
Something I often ask my clients is 'What do you want more of in your life?' - the response is usually more time to spend with family and friends, or to have a healthier lifestyle with less stress and worry. We often delve into what that will look like for them in an ideal world.
Then I hit them with the next question - 'What do you have to do less of to get more of what you want?', which is where the fun begins!
We all dream of the work/life balance promoted on social media - you know the one - you're lying on the beach on holiday, you're only working 4 hours a week (á la Tim Ferriss), you're smashing your goals every day and living your 'best life' (says Gary V and Tony Robbins).
However, the reality is very different. Hours poured into your laptop at work, leaving you with too little time to live your best life (or any life!) outside of work, and sacrificing time with your family and friends to create one more blog post, website change, podcast, product, etc.
It’s not always about finding more time in the day; it’s about BOUNDARIES!
We all have the same 24 hours in the day, what we choose to do with that time is crucial to our success - not in the way the male marketers shove their 'Goals, Goals, Goals' ideology at you - it needs to be different than that or you'll burn out.
Boundaries are important to keep the 'fluff' out and make sure you're doing more of the things that'll bring you what you really want - more clients, a healthier lifestyle and TIME! Time to do what you want, spend it with loved ones, or even by yourself in peace and quiet - whatever works for you. Here are a few exercises to help you develop these skills as you progress in business
Boundaries with people:
Boundaries make it easier for people to treat you with respect - the clearer the boundary line, the easier it is for people to treat you the way you teach them to treat you. We all have those energy vampires in our lives - those people who ask a favour or 'It'll only take 10 minutes' turns into 3 hours helping them clear out the garage or spare room, or looking after their kids while they ‘get the messages’ - you know the drill.
It's always harder to create boundaries when they're family or close friends, but that doesn't mean they can go on wasting your time either. Best to be clear and stick to short sentences like
'I'm sorry I can't'
'No, I can't'
'No'
'I can't, but X (other person) can help you' (always a good one if you’re caught on the hop!).
The reality is that you can’t be all things to all people; you can’t take care of your extended family, run a business, run a family home, have meaningful relationships or hobbies and do all that on 4 hours sleep. It doesn’t happen that way. You need to get your 7-8 hours sleep like everyone else and to take time out to look after YOU. You need your own space to run your life and your business as you see fit.
Don't people please if it doesn't feel good to you – at a deep level people can feel obligation from you - it feels jarring. It's better to say 'No, I can't' instead of going along to help out and being miserable all day!
Boundary Action Step #1:
A great way to create a boundary for yourself around situations or people who drain your energy and waste your time is to say 'No more ____________' - try it!
Boundaries with your Boss or your Clients:
Boundaries aren’t just about when the boss is overstepping the mark or when clients can call; they’re what determine the nature of your relationship. Sometimes the lines can get blurred if you don’t set clear boundaries.
It’s important to remember that your clients are not your friends; they’re your clients. And your boss is only your boss during working hours.
Keep it professional, set your business hours and stick to them, set expectations early and make sure all the terms and conditions are laid out clearly; otherwise, they’ll contact you at all hours of the day and expect immediate service regardless of other work you’re fulfilling.
So what one boundary can you create for your boss or your clients today to stop you falling into the ‘You’re there for me 24/7’ trap?
Boundary Action Step #2:
To keep good boundaries with my boss/clients I will set ________________________ rule/rules regarding my work/business process.
Boundaries with social media:
This one's a tough one! We spend most of our time at work using technology, many of us creating an online presence, and that means using social media! How often are you creating something new when you're suddenly sucked into Facebook, Instagram, or an online shop and an hour is wasted?
Boundaries with technology are hard, but to make any progress, you'll have to give up that bad habit that wastes your precious time - whether it's binge-watching Netflix or scrolling through videos on Instagram or Facebook or TikTok.
These platforms have spent BILLIONS in a bid to distract you from real life and to buy their stuff and keep you occupied (mainly so you don't see what's really going on in the world and you stay quiet, distracted and compliant, but we won't go into that today!). It’s in their best interests to keep you scrolling!
However, once you’re aware of the agenda, drawing a line in the sand with technology is often easier than creating boundaries with people.
Boundary Action Step #3:
Fill in the blanks in this sentence, and you have your first technology boundary:
To help me create my ___________________ (project you're working on), I have to give up ____________________ (your time-sucking technology or social media habit)
Boundaries with Bad Habits:
Whatever you’re creating, chances are there’s some way you’re sabotaging the work through your personal or professional habits. If your health is important, but you’re still eating junk food, that’s not going to help you sustain yourself throughout the day, is it?!
Starting your day replying to emails and pandering to other people’s timetables instead of working on the creative stuff first won’t help in the long run either.
Make a note of the little habits that drift into your morning and evening routines – these are often the self-sabotaging, time-wasting, technology-driven, people-pleasing habits that are sucking your energy and precious business time.
These habits may be another version of the ‘boundary-less’ issues above, and if so, go do those exercises again!
How can you stop doing these annoying habits?
First, make yourself aware of them.
Second, acknowledge they’re there to protect you from something – perhaps the big scary project you want to start but are afraid to. Your inner critic is telling you it’s a bad idea, and why don’t you just scroll through Facebook instead?
Distractions and bad habits need boundaries so you can get the real work done.
Boundary Action Step #4:
Committing to _________________________ (starting/continuing/finishing a project) means I need to stop _______________________________ (bad habit/action).
So now you have 4 action steps to help negate those annoying boundaries: write them out BY HAND (it’s always better by hand so you can concentrate on the work as you write), put them on your desk and boundary the crap out of your day!
Get to work.
If you are carrying too much and finding it hard to set boundaries without guilt, my mindset coaching can help you untangle what is yours to hold, what is not, and what needs to change next. Let’s get on a Clarity Call and discuss how you can take control of your time guilt-free!
